


let these walls break

by orphan_account



Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Band Practice kinda, Break Up, Bullying, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Homophobic Language, Insomnia, Love, M/M, Nostalgia, Pain, Prom Night, Sadness, Self-Destruction, Sleeping around, Suicide Attempt, Tears, implied self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-15 04:23:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13605456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: alex knows he messed up. he saved all they were.he'd promised rian forever.but promises are a fragile thing.





	let these walls break

**Author's Note:**

> for my friend zack because i promised him i'd write this and nowadays i try to follow through with my promises. your existence means everything to me, thank you for being my friend <3 i love you mate <3
> 
> //tw// suicide attempt, self harm, self destructive behaviour, homophobia

**“'cause i can break down these walls,**

**i built around myself.**

**i wanna fall so in love, with you,**

**and no one else,**

**could ever mean half as much,**

**to me as you do now.**

**together we'll move on,**

**just don't turn around”**

* * *

****“Alex?” Rian’s voice broke, “I need you..” Then he heard the familiar beep he had been met with almost everyday since Alex had come to visit him at the hospital.

And he found himself alone. Again.

He was collapsed on the bench of his usual coffee shop, yanking his sleeves over the red lines, fresh bruises and the scars, fuck, all the scars. Reaching into his pocket, he found a few of Alex’s guitar picks gripped in the palms of his shaking hands. They were scratched, ruined even, but they were Alex’s and he needed his love so much. Nervously, he unlocked his phone.

The first thing he saw was the photo of them. And the memories fell into place, and Rian retreated back into himself.

Then was better than Now. Anything, anything at all was better than Now.

* * *

It was prom night, Alex had been wearing the cutest black suit, with a ducky tie because of a bet they made - both had been binge watching How I Met Your Mother at the time, kudos to Barney Stinson. They’d danced and Rian hadn’t felt so loved in forever. Alex’s hand had gripped his own tightly and they stood close, savouring each other.

* * *

The evening hadn’t gotten off to the best of starts, he remembered some asshole tripping him up, accidentally knocking the punch onto his brand new, white shirt that Lexy had picked out for him. He remembered sobbing into Zack’s shoulder, the other boy squeezing his shoulder supportively and walking the hurting, flushed boy to his love. To his saviour.

The lights were bright, yet (it was so cliché - but only because it’s true) the only thing Rian could focus on was Alex in all his adorableness and kookiness and Alex-ness. He saw the highlights in his brown hair, the blush of his cheeks and the purity in his eyes. He saw the boy he fell in love with all over again.

And they’d kissed. It was sweet, gentle… It was them. Together.

Alex had promised him always and forever that night.

**Fuck promises, it’d been broken all too easily.**

* * *

****It’d been a month since they’d last spoke. A month of hiding blades, of broken, snapped drumsticks and hands ruined and bloody from the fury as he hit the snare drum each practice. What was the point in practicing if Alex wasn’t there?

There WAS no point, nothing at all.

It’d been a month since he’d bled out on his bedroom, since Alex had screamed at him how much he **HATED HIM** , **DESPISED HIM** How much he wished **RIAN SUCCEEDED**. It’d been a month since Zack and Jack had held him close as they waited for the sirens of the ambulance and for the paramedics to come save his life.

What had he done wrong? Did Alex even love him in the first place? Or did he just pity the boy who was losing the will to live, the boy who had no one at all, the boy whose only friend was the blade he carried in his thin jacket pocket?

* * *

 **“sorry to my unknown lover** **  
** **sorry that i can't believe** **  
** **that anybody ever really** **  
** **starts to fall in love with me** **  
** **sorry to my unknown lover** **  
** **sorry i could be so blind** **  
** **didn't mean to leave you** **  
** **and all of the things that we had behind”**

* * *

 ****The red figures of his alarm clock cut through the darkness, the brightness made his eyes water. They stung, he rubbed desperately at them, maybe he wouldn’t cry himself to sleep, maybe the shadows would stop screaming, maybe Alex would call him back.

So many maybes, the past was haunting him, no matter how many times he snapped the rubber band against his wrist, no matter how many times he drove his sore knuckles against the crumbling plaster of his apartment wall in a fit of self hatred.

* * *

He couldn’t get Alex out of his head. 

He needed him tonight, more so than ever.

It was 4:13am now, the insomnia was driving him absolutely insane (more so than he already was).

* * *

It was 4:13am. Alex was swinging his legs as he saw the sun begin to rise over him and the faceless, same man beside him. He didn’t say “I love you” to anybody anymore, he slept away the agony he knew he had caused his Rian. His everything.

He was saving all his “i love you”s for Rian, but he knew that he may never get to say them. He’d saved all of the broken boy’s voicemails to his phone, they kept him up into the early hours of tomorrow.

He slept around, gave the number of his burner phone to men he bumped into in the harsh, stark lights of the clubs when his brain was numbed with alcohol.

Alex had fucked up Rian, he knew he’d messed up when he heard Rian cry out in agony, when Alex had heard the sickening sound of his love’s body connecting with the floor and his whimpers of pain… His heart had fallen to pieces.

When Ri had attempted, all Alex had known had disappeared. His world had come to an end the very moment he screamed empty, killing lies down the telephone to the boy who had given Alex all he fucking was.

To ensure he didn’t wake up the man beside him, he scrawled a note, with the same words he left every time.

Every time he lost a little bit of himself. But he knew he deserved it, after everything he’d put Rian through.

* * *

It was 4:30am now. Rian was still awake and his dumb, stupid brain showed no signs of ceasing its assault and screams upon the boy who.. was nothing at all.

His phone screen lit up. And Rian cried.

* * *

 **_4:32am, Lexy:_ ** _hey ri, i need you, i’m so sorry…. for everything. can we meet where we used to, is that okay? <3 _

**_4:33am, Lexy:_ ** _you don’t need to reply, it’s okay, i know i put you through hell but it’s only been a month but that’s too fucking long for me babe._

 **_4:34am, Lexy:_ ** _i kept all your voicemails. i kept us, rian_

 **_4:35am, Lexy:_ ** _i left too much unsaid, and i’m sorry_

 ** _4:36am, Rian:_ ** _see you tomorrow, i’ll be there - i promise._

 ** _4:37am, Rian:_ ** _and lex, it’s okay, i forgive you. it was never your fault, it was all me._

* * *

And they had each other again.

And Rian felt Alex’s lips against his own and fell back into the way they had been before. Alex kissed the scars, the cuts lining his arm.

He loved Rian.

He would never let him go. Never.

“I love you Robert Rian Dawson.”

“I love you too, Alex, always and forever.”

And they watched the sunset, and they knew that maybe, just maybe, they’d be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos are greatly appreciated and make me smile
> 
> thank you for reading <3


End file.
